Blabber

Ummm...

2009-12-31T19:46:46Z

I'm going to have a younger half brother...words can't describe how I feel at this moment. Excitement, confusion, happiness, anxiety, and so many other emotions are just trailing through me like people through an airport.

Just wow.

Berry Berry good song.

2009-12-29T18:39:09Z

Love it.

Look up, open the clouds
Here comes the bombshell
On the way home…

And now we want the coal?
Confusing times

Cry murder, cry what you like
Just let the comets lead the way

We’ll tear it down
We’ll hold the truth by the neck
Kick in the doors and burn the books
Try to forget

And wear it like flag
Try to be patient
On the way home

Cause inside, behind every curtain
They count the minutes, they count the days

We’ll tear it down
We’ll hold the truth by the neck
Kick in the doors and burn the books
Try to forget

If you look at the horizon there is always something ducking out of sight
When you’re looking at the treetops and they’re scratching out their patterns in the sky

Look up, open the clouds
Here comes the bombshell
On the way home…

revised.

2009-12-25T22:48:58Z

If you all haven't already realized, I tend to over think everything I do. I'm talking everything. When I make plans, I basically script out how the night will go. When situations don't turn out how I wanted them to, I think back on it and then try to explain to myself why that situation didn't work out...but as soon as I start thinking about it reality sets in and I realize how pointless it is to dwell on a situation that no longer can be changed. It does leave me bottled up with regret, I'm not going to lie about that. I don't think regret is completely horrible, in fact, it's at those moments of regret when we gain the most insight on who we are and what we want. It's bitter sweet. You start thinking about how good the situation was and play back every detail in your mind to pick out the little things you think you could have done to make it even better. For me, I mostly think back to the lack of affection I showed or how erratic my emotions were.

Its very hard for me to drop my wall, I mostly try to stay calm and collected. I think I've bottled up so much I'm afraid of what may happen when I do let go. As a result, much of my social skills have been dulled. What I do hold onto are peoples stories, thoughts, ideas, emotions, beliefs, and all of that personal crap. I guess since I have always had so much trouble determining who is right, what is right, and what makes something right those stories just stick to me. Obviously this idea faded out years ago when I realized its doesn't matter what's right, it's what works for the individual that matters. I could probably see a movie a thousand times and not be able to quote more than a sentence, but someone could tell me one heartfelt experience and I'll keep that in my mind whenever I see them. Especially when its someone I care about. All I want to do is help people, it's instinctual almost. I hear a problem and just break it apart to find what is causing the trouble and immediately just say what I think will make it better. I forget that at times people aren't looking for the solution, they are just looking for understanding of why they are upset. Acknowledgment of their misery, to vent. For someone that claims they understand people so well, I fall short to this concept of letting problems play out and fix themselves with time.

It's really quite contradicting of myself, also. I know on that rare occasion when I do share with people my problem(s) I'm usually not asking for a solution, just acknowledgment of what I'm going through and support. I think I learned this concept the hard way with Amy. I can see why she stop coming to me with her problems, I basically tore them apart for years when all she wanted was someone to listen and support her. One of the things I regret...mostly because I know that impacted her image of me. I feel like I have changed since then, but I know she probably won't see me differently.

This became most apparent when I told her I will miss her and love her and in return I get a "thanks bro". My heart fucking sunk. No sign of...well anything. I know she cares, but I just don't understand why she cant voice it. Regret sets back in. Not because I regret saying it, just regret on what I did to cause our friendship to be this way. Maybe what I continue to do? I know I'm more quiet and conscientious around her these days for fear of giving her some kind of wrong impression or fear of my every word to be thrown back at me or shut down.

I try to just be myself and forget about how different it is now, but when I do start feeling a little comfortable with everything I'm usually slapped with a cold piece of reality. That reality being that these moments we have together aren't going to last, I can't treat her how I really want to, just an internal struggle. It really does damper my mood, especially when I'm with her. I really don't try to let it bother me. I know my bitterness is just a drag on her and it's not how I want to share what little time I have with. I wish she took my compliments seriously. I don't want every conversation to be an argument, or dispute(unless its for funzies of course). I don't want her to feel suffocated by me. Everything is so dry and to the point now.

Who knows though...she's happy. She is where she wants to be in NYC, doing what she wants to do, has friends she enjoys, and is with someone she really cares about. That's all that really matters, and that's all I have ever hoped for her.

Merry Christmas.

I feel like Oscar Wilde said it best.

2009-07-17T18:55:13Z

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

justrock_n_roll @ 2009-07-09T08:07:00

2009-07-09T15:22:29Z

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”

justrock_n_roll @ 2009-07-08T07:35:00

2009-07-08T14:36:07Z

So I feel I have to censor what I write in here now...but that's ok. It's time for change.

But I still doooo want to say that I hope you two(Amy and Allie)have a great time in the cool weather and exciting cities while I continue to bake back in boring ol' AZ! >;(! YOU GUYS SUCK COCK!....srsly. ha.

anddddd your apartment hunting goes well, so that you and kitten can leave as fast as your little heart desires! anddddddddddddddddd that you guys make a black friend if you visit Harlem.

...actually that last one was more of a request. Please do?

Lastly, you both must get obliterated on the 12th in honor of my birthday.

K!?

I will miss jews.

Night.

!?!?!?!?!?!?!

2009-06-23T07:03:00Z

IF LONDON IS THE SURPRISE VISITOR NEXT WEEK I AM GOING TO SHIT A BRICK!

I feel like something is wrong...

2009-06-10T00:00:02Z

but i dont know how to ask. :\

im tired.

2009-06-09T06:36:17Z

Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Hangman,
You go get your rope
Your daughters weren't careful,
I fear that I am a slippery slope
Now even if I lay my head down at night
After a day I got perfectly right...

She won't know...
She won't know...

So pray little Kay, love's God on a good day,
And you can't blame your mother,
She's trying not to see you as her worst mistake
And I wish that I could tell you right now, I love you
But it looks like I won't be around
So you won't know...

You won't know...
You won't know...
You won't know...

So believe in me,
believe, if you think I'll let you down
Well I won't
They can fire everything they've got
And when you think I'm sunk
I will float on and on
I have burned the bush that covered my light
Even though I'm scared I won't burn that bright
But you won't know...

You won't know...
You won't know...
You won't know...

We're never gonna feel as full as we felt
So let's go outside and we'll play "William Tell"
Take your time drawing your bead
I'll stand as still as you need
'Cause you're so good at talking smack, you heart attack
But you're the apple of my eye anyway

My smiling face
That's on my head
That's on your silver plate

So they say,
They say in heaven
There's no husbands and wives
On the day that I show up
They'll be completely out
Of their forgiveness supplies
And I can't use the telephone
To tell you that I'm dead and gone
So you won't know

You won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...
Yeah, you won't know...

I dont have much to update on, just really enjoyed the lyrics to this song.

night night.

Some Fun for ya.

2009-05-27T00:21:40Z

Oh man...do I feel a rant coming on.

2009-05-22T11:45:45Z

But I will use this video to postpone the moment. I think its silly!

excuse the cmt...its all that would allow me to embed. :(

Ben Folds More CMT Music More CMT Music Videos

I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the fuck would you want me back?!
Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

(You don't know me,
You don't know me.)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

What?

So not looking forward to this weekend...

2009-05-01T22:11:20Z

SOOOO

I work from 330 till 1030 tonight...then at petsmart at 4am till...im guessing 9am?
then back to dicks at 330 to 1030...then back there again on sunday morning from 10am till 3pm.

On top of that I have my final project to finish in communications and have to meet sunday before work for pictures.

ughhhhhh!

So I've been listening to music more often lately....

2009-04-30T17:44:42Z

I feel its the only thing that you can mold into however your mind chooses to understand the lyrics. And every time I listen to Southern State by Bright Eyes this one verse always sticks out to me.

So now you're trying again
Or just visiting friends
One that just had his heart broke

For the first time in his life
He realized there are times
When you can’t make it alone

But now you’re giving advice
As if you had the right
To use a word like “love”

No no, it’s a negotiable term
What gets said's not what’s heard
So it’s different then for everyone

And I find it so true when talking or trying to help someone. Love is that one word that carries so much impact, but at the same time can mean so little when said. So its hard to determine what is meant when someone says it.

I try and be careful when using the word, I dont just throw it out at everyone. It almost makes me uncomfortable to say it sometimes...like I have butterflies in my stomach.

But I'm just odd so who knows.

In other news, check out the take away show with Andrew Bird. Its wonderful especially at the very end where he literally leaves a group of people in awe of his music.

i dont know what to say...

2009-04-25T08:33:31Z

this isnt you.

it hurts to watch.

Oh JC,,,

2009-04-22T07:37:30Z

Normally, I'd be more upset about the current circumstance...but now it just doesnt seem to hit me the same way. My effort just doesnt seem to pay off anymore, and the joy it once brought me is diminishing because of the lack of response. I've given up trying to figure out what its all meant, because I don't think it really did mean anything...well outside of my own mind at least. I cant force it to be something its not, and I know now thats what I was doing. But not because of selfishness, stubbornness, and immaturity...but because I truly felt that it was something bigger.

I was wrong.

Despite the hurt its caused in the past...it is actually feeling better to just let go.

420

2009-04-21T22:14:56Z

Soooo it was 420 yesterday, and I cave and gave into the occasion. Bought a new piece that I thought was pretty neat...60 bucks, which is kinda expensive I suppose. But I thought it was ok considering everything at Blaze is around 40 dollars and up. I mean I bought my One Love Pipe there and it was 75...so the fact that I got a nice bong with a ice catcher for 60 at a shop that only sells specially made bongs and pipes eased my decision. Not to mention it was one of the cheapest they sold there...so I didnt have much choice. I didnt feel like driving around to various smoke shops. OH! Plus it had the same girl that sold me my hookah! So after we talked for a bit I felt compelled to buy from her. I GOTS HER NUMBER TOO! I was proud of myself.

but anyways back to the bong...

I guess Delta 9 is a good brand...? I only learned that from Nick and Ray J so who knows. It did fuck me up extremely, so it passes. And I'm quite certain Amy enjoyed it seeing as she was hugging it to death for most of the second sitting with Nick. haha

Seriously though...I was so high. I told amy the story, and Ive only felt that high one other time in my life. Lets just say I was seeing colors. So when Nick came over (I think it was maybe 30 min after amy and I had just smoked? but i couldnt be certain...i was in a better place at the time. :)) I would not let myself smoke again. Soooo that was just before 8 or so(only know that because thats when nick called outside of my house.). At this point Amy and I were hungry enough to eat each others faces off, and the original plan of cheeb was foiled because Miss Dudley wasnt anticipating smoking from a bong. lol So we decided against going out and turned to delivery from Barros instead.

Amy left shortly after we ate, and then about 20 min later Ray J came by for my second round of smoking. We went out, smoked a bowl, and then came back inside to watch john and katie play castle crashers. Got bored, went out smoked a little more, came back in to hang out for a little more, and then crashed.

Woke up this morning with that really....slow feeling you get from falling asleep high. Almost seems like you are still high, minus all the happy feeling. So I skipped going to Pmart training this morning and just slept in till about 11 or so.

So thats all I got.

Going to go run now....OH GAWD ITS HOT!

Peace.

My current listenings...

2009-04-20T07:18:42Z

Lyrics | Bright Eyes lyrics - Southern State lyrics

Coachella 2009

2009-04-19T01:34:41Z

An unforgettable performance to say the least.

justrock_n_roll @ 2009-02-23T22:19:00

2009-02-24T05:25:33Z

I've made a new rule for my room...not that I ever had other rules. Actually thats not true, one is James Reade is not allowed in my room after 10pm unless asked.

but I decided that if you watch tv in my bed, you must also cuddle with me. Its not negotiable.

:D

have a good night.

Well its almost new years

2009-01-01T01:43:36Z

This past year has probably been the most complicated year of my life so far.
......I was going to start listing off various events, but its better to just forget and move on.

I guess what really matters is the present.

Heres to 2009.

Hope you guys have a wonderful night. Be Safe.

Time to start over.

Will

Happy New Years. :)

hmm i still never understand

2008-12-12T07:46:41Z

why you push me away.

well good luck. <3

I found her when looking at the Joshua James Show

2008-12-09T21:49:55Z

I think you may like.

I find this song refreshing, and pretty bad ass altogether.

Let's.

2008-12-05T17:22:28Z

Weve just got to take our time its like nothing really matters, so lets make this moment a crime i know, i know youre left behind
but ill do my best to feel broke down its been a minute, a second, ill wait for you to make a sound
but i know, i know youre taking time maybe its just too late, ive got to get away
when everything feels the same, ive got to get away
tell me its not too late

On and on and on you wait and oh the days they fade away and all the nights theyve never felt the same
if i was wrong then i was wrong and on and on and on and on the things we do are never going to change
well you havent got a lot to say but you never want to stop you always want to feel this way i know i know youre taking time

We wait forever, if ever and youre too hip to saying never
ill never get it, oh i shouldnt sweat it
not like it matters, its over, yeah at least till you come over so much for shutters, we're living under covers

ummm

2008-11-05T20:47:53Z

i think im shutting this down temporary....yeah.

love.

This is not an exit

2008-11-04T06:53:05Z

I love this song....not the band so much anymore though.

Tonight will be the night that we begin to ease the plugs out of the dam.
And we still stand knee deep in the flow,
the undertow will grab our heels and won't let go.
And while we hold, our legs quivering,
the water rises now to our teeth when we just let go
and sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping our backs.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that we have
and all the wasted nights and empty moments in our lives
are flushed away as we sway with the rhythm of the waves bobbing us up.
Crests fall to troughs as we feel our gills open up
and sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping our backs.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that we have.
And if the hook set in the bottom of our lungs,
we'll rip it out and lick the blood off with our tongues.

Despair could ravage you if you turn your head around
to look down the path that's lead you here, cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship,
just don't bother with the things left in your wake.
Just sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have
and your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight
spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play.
And you walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls, just know you did it all
the best that you knew how and you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth cause you know you lived it well.

VOTE!
Im looking forward to it. haha

Peace

imeem didnt have mine neither. :(