Ummm... [31 Dec 2009|12:46pm] justrock_n_roll [ mood | perplexed ] I'm going to have a younger half brother...words can't describe how I feel at this moment. Excitement, confusion, happiness, anxiety, and so many other emotions are just trailing through me like people through an airport. Just wow. post comment

Berry Berry good song. [29 Dec 2009|11:39am] justrock_n_roll [ mood | calm ] Love it. Look up, open the clouds Here comes the bombshell On the way home… And now we want the coal? Confusing times Cry murder, cry what you like Just let the comets lead the way We’ll tear it down We’ll hold the truth by the neck Kick in the doors and burn the books Try to forget And wear it like flag Try to be patient On the way home Cause inside, behind every curtain They count the minutes, they count the days We’ll tear it down We’ll hold the truth by the neck Kick in the doors and burn the books Try to forget If you look at the horizon there is always something ducking out of sight When you’re looking at the treetops and they’re scratching out their patterns in the sky Look up, open the clouds Here comes the bombshell On the way home… 2 comments|post comment

[27 Dec 2009|09:36pm] petite_chose i got a laptop! wapow! birthday beer on tuesday and birthday drunk on saturday? you in? 7 comments|post comment

revised. [25 Dec 2009|03:48pm] justrock_n_roll [ mood | sad ] If you all haven't already realized, I tend to over think everything I do. I'm talking everything. When I make plans, I basically script out how the night will go. When situations don't turn out how I wanted them to, I think back on it and then try to explain to myself why that situation didn't work out...but as soon as I start thinking about it reality sets in and I realize how pointless it is to dwell on a situation that no longer can be changed. It does leave me bottled up with regret, I'm not going to lie about that. I don't think regret is completely horrible, in fact, it's at those moments of regret when we gain the most insight on who we are and what we want. It's bitter sweet. You start thinking about how good the situation was and play back every detail in your mind to pick out the little things you think you could have done to make it even better. For me, I mostly think back to the lack of affection I showed or how erratic my emotions were. Its very hard for me to drop my wall, I mostly try to stay calm and collected. I think I've bottled up so much I'm afraid of what may happen when I do let go. As a result, much of my social skills have been dulled. What I do hold onto are peoples stories, thoughts, ideas, emotions, beliefs, and all of that personal crap. I guess since I have always had so much trouble determining who is right, what is right, and what makes something right those stories just stick to me. Obviously this idea faded out years ago when I realized its doesn't matter what's right, it's what works for the individual that matters. I could probably see a movie a thousand times and not be able to quote more than a sentence, but someone could tell me one heartfelt experience and I'll keep that in my mind whenever I see them. Especially when its someone I care about. All I want to do is help people, it's instinctual almost. I hear a problem and just break it apart to find what is causing the trouble and immediately just say what I think will make it better. I forget that at times people aren't looking for the solution, they are just looking for understanding of why they are upset. Acknowledgment of their misery, to vent. For someone that claims they understand people so well, I fall short to this concept of letting problems play out and fix themselves with time. It's really quite contradicting of myself, also. I know on that rare occasion when I do share with people my problem(s) I'm usually not asking for a solution, just acknowledgment of what I'm going through and support. I think I learned this concept the hard way with Amy. I can see why she stop coming to me with her problems, I basically tore them apart for years when all she wanted was someone to listen and support her. One of the things I regret...mostly because I know that impacted her image of me. I feel like I have changed since then, but I know she probably won't see me differently. This became most apparent when I told her I will miss her and love her and in return I get a "thanks bro". My heart fucking sunk. No sign of...well anything. I know she cares, but I just don't understand why she cant voice it. Regret sets back in. Not because I regret saying it, just regret on what I did to cause our friendship to be this way. Maybe what I continue to do? I know I'm more quiet and conscientious around her these days for fear of giving her some kind of wrong impression or fear of my every word to be thrown back at me or shut down. I try to just be myself and forget about how different it is now, but when I do start feeling a little comfortable with everything I'm usually slapped with a cold piece of reality. That reality being that these moments we have together aren't going to last, I can't treat her how I really want to, just an internal struggle. It really does damper my mood, especially when I'm with her. I really don't try to let it bother me. I know my bitterness is just a drag on her and it's not how I want to share what little time I have with. I wish she took my compliments seriously. I don't want every conversation to be an argument, or dispute(unless its for funzies of course). I don't want her to feel suffocated by me. Everything is so dry and to the point now. Who knows though...she's happy. She is where she wants to be in NYC, doing what she wants to do, has friends she enjoys, and is with someone she really cares about. That's all that really matters, and that's all I have ever hoped for her. Merry Christmas. post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]